Lani Johnson1 Comment

Listening to self, quieting the ego

Lani Johnson1 Comment
Listening to self, quieting the ego

Sometimes admitting what you want and truely listening to yourself is the hard part. It seems like such a good idea. He's smart, kind, creative, has similar life goals. He's handsome, young and full of ambition. So I came to Dunsborough, WA, to meet a friend knowing we were going to explore the land and our feelings for each other, to see what would happen. Two days in he tells me he met someone a week before I arrived. Ok, I get that. I met someone too. A few days before I left, a man I had not seen in years but have had a crush on since the day I met him came around and we had dinner a couple of times. The feeling was mutual but just a few days before I left for months of adventure what else was I to do, so nothing really started. I set out to meet my friend and begin adventures. I wasn't expecting that only two days after I arrived I would be told that there was someone else whom he wanted to spend his time with. Alright, now what do I do? New game plan. Ego hurt, yes. Soul crushed, never. My response; ok, I need a bike. I need to ride. But wait! What's this? The very next day you say you're sorry. You made a mistake? You really do want to carry on with our plans? What you really want is to ride with me? What do I want?

The minute I say ok, I'm going to leave. He's back. He says he wants to do this. I'm just not excited now. Maybe I don't believe him. Maybe I've built up my walls already. Maybe my balloon was burst and no matter how much you try to inflate it you can never reseal that hole. I keep thinking if we spend some quality time together it will get better, it's only been a week. I keep wondering if I can trust him. Vulnerability has never been my strongest suit. It's difficult to open up when I'm not sure if this is a safe place. Is he really into being here with me? I'm not interested in spending time with someone who isn't interested in spending time with me. If I'm honest with myself I know I don't want to sit around a wait, I want the epic adventure I set out to have. I want to ride, explore, see new things and feel excitement. I was so excited to have a travel partner. I was so excited to spend time with this interesting person, getting to know each other while exploring South West Australia through mini adventures. Is that opportunity lost? If neither of us are excited, then what result is expected. Don't get me wrong, we're still friends and we enjoy spending time together. I've been in Australia for two weeks now, it seems so odd to be in this position, this was meant to be just fun and who knows what else. He just doesn't seem to be in alignment with himself. He's not doing what he does, what we do, what we have in common, what I came here for. I came here with the intention of having some adventures with a fun travel buddy. I came here to spend time with a person I admire. What do I do now? I have options; one costs money I didn't want to spend and the other is totally affordable, maybe not as epic..yet, I can make it epic. How can I do it all? I really have no timeline. No limits. Financially, I need to be smart but if I trust and just go for it everything will work out. I subscribe to the mindset that everything is as it is meant to be. I trust the universe, it is my task to accept these lessons and use the gained knowledge to grow and evolve into the greatest version of myself. Sometimes shit just doesn't go the way we expect but if we can let go of those expectations and accept the lessons offered then the opportunities that follow can far exceed anything imagined.