Hold Fast in a Hurricane

What do you do when you're spinning out? Find what grounds you and hold fast. 

In my last days in Bali I did everything I could fit in. I spent a week diving in Gili Air, this was an unbelievable experience for me. Diving was something I wanted to do my entire life but was never able. To be so close to sharks, look in the eyes of turtles, seeing freshly hatched clown fish and the most beautifully interesting creatures that I had no idea existed, it awoke something in me that I always knew was there waiting for the opportunity to develop. For nearly a week I rode my scooter around Bali, stopping at every interesting point I came across. I found myself on some roads that would have made me nervous on a dirt bike, I even dumped my scooter on a steep ridged hillside covered in loose gravel and sand. A young man gave me a ride up to the top of  a mountain, on the back of his dirt bike, to this look out that showed a view of the entire range with the lake below and the volcano across the way. I ventured to the other side of that lake and found hot springs to soak in and ate lunch on the edge of a cliff taking myself closer to that volcano's rim. I swam under the full moon in the clearest, calmest ocean water I have ever been in. I could see the rocks below me, as bright as the moon was I could not see far away from me. Amid the darkness of night I swam naked in a small pool of moonlight, a tiny speck in a massive ocean. Humbling, exilerating and frightening all at the same time. 

I booked a flight home with the intention of taking a short term job when I got back, that job fell through but I already had the flight so I figured I would go home and continue the adventure from there. I stopped in Kuala Lumpur for a couple of days to visit family, and headed home. I came home, got my motorcycle road ready for the season, spent some time visiting friends and spending my time with a new man. I gave up my apartment before I left, got rid of most of my 'things' and put everything that I kept in storage. So here I am, two months later, I've been staying with people but mostly at my moms house. I've gone on a few little road trips and I spent time on the island looking at properties. I ended up buying a property and that will come into play later on. Right now, I'm not happy. I feel like I'm spiralling further and further away from what I want. I hear the call in my head, I know what I want to be doing, what I need to do. The thing with being home is there is always a reason not to leave, there is always someone to see and something to do. I have barely stepped foot in Vancouver in the last two months, avoiding it whenever possible and only entering the city when a specific reason calls. I have neglected some friends and spent too much time with others, mostly do to location, population, traffic, timing, availability and vibration. I don't mind living out of a bag but if I'm going to be living out a bag I want to be doing something exciting, not doing the same thing I would do on a normal week off only not having my own space. To be always in someone else's space doesn't work for me. I need a lot of time alone in order to play well with others. I took this year off to push my limits, exceed my boundaries, to do all the things 'there's no time' for and see what would come of it. I know I'm walking away from, and I'm going to miss out on events, people, things. I am blessed enough to be able to give myself the gift of time and I'm not using it. Whatever the reason, it's causing turmoil inside myself. I'm at the point where I'm exhausted after spending time with people, I'm falling into old patterns, negative inner dialog is getting the opportunity to run the show because I am not living my authentic self. I am not following my soul's desires. I know what I need to do, I know how to heal me. I've gathered my gear, plans are in motion. It's time to go. I can leap into my passions or I can spiral into misery. I control my mind, I create my inner dialog, with that I create my world. I am not a passenger in my life I am the architect. It's time to go.