What the fuck happened to 2018!?

    What the fuck happened to 2018? Feels like I blinked and it was over. I haven’t published a blog in 18 months. I just wasn’t writing. It was a busy year but mostly I felt disconnected and wasn’t really able to centre myself enough to write about it. Then when I could write about what was happening I was too close to the people around me and feared hurting or effecting them too much if I spoke publicly about it. So here is a short recap of the last 18 months.. I finished 2017 with some epic moto road trips, one solo trip that soothed my soul and bonded me to my bike like nothing I’ve ever known. I spent countless hours riding alone, just me, my bike and my thoughts. That trip taught me a lot about myself and the perceived world vs the world I encountered. I met some amazing people and had wonderful experiences. I spent the remainder of that year and most of 2018 with a person I love, we tried for a partnership but unfortunately, as much as we wanted it to, that didn’t work out. Ultimately I think we had different expectations, there were some emotional walls built up that simply weren’t coming down and we had a communication issue that wasn’t seeing improvement. After a spring project I spent the summer working on remodelling my airstream with my dad. That is a great project that ended up much larger than expected and brought up a lot of issues that I didn’t forsee around working with my father, this is still not complete but hopefully it gets done this year. Autumn took me on a trip with my mom and my aunt to Peru and Bolivia. I found out my aunt is an incredibly energetic and highly motivated person, it was her trip and I just tagged along, until I simply couldn’t keep up and needed some time off for me. On that trip mom and I did the Salkantay trail to Machu Picchu together, far more challenging than I ever expected, by the end of the week we had hiked 82kms and reached 4600m in elevation through the Salkantay pass, the highest hike mom and I have done. It was not a lush trip, we definitely roughed it, and I feel even more connected to my mother than before. I’m sure she knows I will always be by her side and I’ll always have her back, even though she drives me crazy, I love her so much it makes me sick. I skipped most of the Bolivia trip to spend some time on my own healing with the help of mother Ayauasca where I experienced a clarity and love I had been searching for. After a few days in Bolivia I got home and got ready for Indonesia, where I currently sit in the jungle on this first day of 2019. I’ve been here for just over a month and I’ve put my focus into my breath, meditations, connecting my heart-mind. I started strong on my yoga practice but as I added more mini trips the classes faded, I have reintroduced my daily sun salutations into my life and I find this very therapeutic. I’ve been writing nearly everyday and though I haven’t sorted any photographs I have been taking pictures, with my actual camera not just my phone. I had the privileged of meeting an amazing couple from Denmark, we became fast friends and spent as much time as we could together before their departure. I simply asked someone if I could leave my shoes and shirt with them while I went for a snorkel and this led to an instant bond with two amazing women I admire and feel blessed to know. So now what?

    I’m 29 days from my 40th birthday and I’ve decided to go sober. This isn’t the first time I have made this dicision, I’ve tried a few times but I have so far caved at some point. Besides the fact that I actually like alcoholic drinks, it totally makes it easier for me to socialize, I’m not always the most outgoing person. That’s not entirely true, when I connect with people I have an amazingly easy time interacting. Drinking has always made me sick, I bet part of the reason I’ve managed to stay small over the years is in part due to the amount of meals I’ve thrown up. Now I’m about to turn 40, I entered 2019 without having a drink on the eve, and now I want to keep it going. My 40th without a drink, Africa without a drink. It really isn’t that big of a stretch, but it feels like it is. I don’t drink often anymore anyway, I regularly go a month without a drink, I may follow that with a weekend or week full of drinks or maybe just a couple. Though I have always used it as a vice, I have no need to drink it’s just a want that comes with no stopping power once I start. A want that really makes me sick. When I drink it not only gives me headaches, migraines and makes me puke half the time, it seems to reek havoc on my digestive system, creates blocks causes pain and swells my guts so my pants barely fit. If my body is a temple and I put all the effort I do into treating it well then there is no explanation for putting it through all that for a few drinks, no matter how delicious they are. In the past I’ve stayed away from drinking when I wasn’t in a good headspace and I knew that if I drank I wasn’t always going to be able to keep it together. This time I am in a really good headspace. This time its for my body as well as my mind.

    I’ve been distracting myself from an inner truth. Avoiding hearing what I need from my heart. I have spent a lot of time in my life not living in alignment with my true self. In the last couple of years this had led me to a state of near constant confusion, indecision, feeling uncentered and ungrounded. I have been searching for clarity from somewhere, when it’s always been in me. While I was in Peru I connected to this deeper knowledge and was finally clear for the first time in a long time, this clarity came with the realization that I haven’t been living in alignment. In the last month I have been hearing myself say ‘you have to release male attention’ meaning male sexual attention. I have used male attention to validate myself for most of my life and it’s time to stop. I have some amazing friends who are male, I would say half of my closest friends who I really talk to about life are men. Just to be clear those are not the ones I need to release. I need to realease male (sexual) attention from my life. This is what I keep hearing, and I instantly follow it up with some story from my ego mind telling me why that’s just not true. I can’t, or am not ready to, say why but I can say that I know this is what my heart-mind or intuition is telling me I need to do right now. If I’m going to put the energy into hearing my inner self then I have to listen when she speaks. So often we shut ourselves up when we hear that voice inside, wether it’s telling us not to turn right, not to get in that car, or not to go out with that person. Sometimes we ignore it when it’s telling us so clearly what would make us happy. I get this simple phrase (my heart or intuition) followed up by a story (my mind) of why that simple phrase isn’t to be listened to. The goal is to hear the phrase and stop listening to the stories. That’s connecting to the deep knowledge, the inner self. That’s the voice I want to live by, the voice I never need to question.

    Into this new year I bring with me the lessons I have learned and release that which does not serve me. I thank the past year for all that I have gained as I welcome this coming year and all it’s challenges and opportunities for growth. I look forward to another year of adventure.